Damian Morales

True Selves: Understanding Transsexualism

In Book Reviews on May 10, 2013 at 2:07 pm

true_selves 

It’s self-explanatory. This is a good book for anyone struggling to understand transsexualism- whether you’re finding it difficult to accept a family member, a friend, or just trying to come to terms with your own gender identity- this book is the gentle nudge that can (probably) help. My uncle once told me that knowing someone personally, or becoming friends with a person who identifies as gay (or transsexual) is usually enough to teach someone that it’s nothing to be feared or ashamed of. For those who have yet to cross paths with a trans-identified person, this book can easily become that friend. With a simple, straight-forward approach, clinical sexologist Mildred Brown guides the reader directly into the hearts of those who live with mind/ body incongruence. Relying heavily on her extensive experience with transsexual patients and friends, Brown reveals the harsh reality and trauma that accompanied these transsexuals through childhood and adolescence. Brown includes stories and poetry that exposes the raw emotional pain of her patients; and this is what makes the book interesting. She also provides a list of resources at the end of her book for transsexuals who need support, which is much appreciated.

Notably, Brown expresses a deep compassion for MTF’s; but this isn’t to say that this book is useless for FTM’s. We all face similar obstacles and I’m certain that FTM’s can benefit from the insight this book has to offer. It’s a bit outdated, (especially the chapter on surgeries) but True Selves: Understanding Transsexualism (1996) contains stories and situations that stand outside of time. I highly recommend this book for those stubborn parents who may be in denial about their children’s true gender, or for anyone finding it impossible to cope with their loved one’s transition, or their own transition.

This book reminded me just how important it is to reach out to those who need help. As transgendered individuals, some of us are blessed to be surrounded by intelligent, open-minded people who can easily digest and understand what we teach them about gender dysphoria; but others are not so lucky to have receptive friends and family. Some of our trans brothers and sisters face ignorance and prejudice on a daily basis. My heart goes out to those brothers living isolated lives with their secret, or those living in remote areas where trans- support groups are inaccessible or non-existent.

On that note: All of us have to deal with being misunderstood. We all deal with prejudice and rejection. At some point in our transition, we will be knocked down hard. Sometimes we may feel helpless or pitiful, but none of us should ever feel alone. For anyone who feels this way right now, just remember you are not alone. No matter what the circumstances, there is always someone out there who has felt the way you’re feeling now, feared what you are afraid of, and cried over what you are crying over. Someone out there is going through what you are going through, or has been through similar circumstances. Know that there is always someone out there who understands the depths of depression. Even if you doubt this; even in your darkest moments when you feel invisible or non-existent- know that someone out there is thinking about you. They may not know you personally, but they have experienced what you are experiencing and have been just as frustrated and confused as you are. No, they have not lived your life, but they can relate to you on some level; will empathize with you as a human being.

I’ll close this review with a quote from this book which really hit home with me; it reminded me of how I once felt in a body that was becoming more and more female. It took me back to a time when I was confused and miserable and would lie in bed brooding over what I was, and terrified of what I might become one day. I never thought I’d be able to talk so freely about this; about this monstrous aspect of me that had to be kept secret. If someone had handed this book to me then, it may have helped me accept myself and possibly transition sooner than I did.

“Frequently the general public’s perception of transsexualism comes from movies or talk shows and contains only fragments of truth. People may harbor the false notion that transsexualism is a mental illness or a sexual perversion.”

You are not sick or sexually perverted because you are trans. Being trans has nothing to do with sexual orientation, sexual preference, or mental illness. There is nothing loathsome about your body. It may feel that way sometimes, but your body is natural like any other living body on Earth. There are extremely feminine bodies and extremely masculine bodies, and bodies that embrace both the masculine and the feminine. There are intersexed people; people who aren’t sure or don’t care what gender they are, and still others who feel like they are somewhere in between. There are people like me who admittedly feel all male, but at some point in their life will try their hardest to fit into a female mold and fail miserably. If you can relate, then know I’m writing to you. You are my brother, whether you know it or not.

Fate, Illness, Faith & Healing

In Life on January 7, 2013 at 1:17 am

It’s no surprise to me that all this is happening. Many signs have been pointing me westward for the past few years. Possibly even for the past two decades. Still, it amazes me how fate has paralleled our paths this way; stashing our hope in California like treasure chests full of gold. The thought of growing so many plants excites me; has filled my imagination with a myriad of ideas for numerous projects. The greenery of Napa Valley has entranced me; is seducing me with the flowing red wine of its vineyards.

If you have found that you are lost, allow me to fill you in. That amazing, anonymous woman that briefly disappeared from my life has re-emerged and fused with an intensity that seems to be navigating my every word and every action. In truth, she suffers from a few illnesses; one of which (lupus) fills many of her days with chronic pain. She’s built up such a tolerance to opiates and other drugs prescribed to her that she doesn’t get much relief from them these days. This is why we are moving to the San Francisco Bay Area, (or possibly Mendocino County). There is a doctor practicing there- Dr. William Courtney- whose treatment- which involves the juicing of raw marijuana leaves- is helping alleviate the pain and symptoms associated with lupus and a long list of other illnesses.

William Courtney’s successful treatment has been turning conservative heads for a few years now as it makes headway and gains its due respect within the medical community. The medicinal value of cannabis is slowly revealing itself in this country as word about its legitimacy spreads across the states. Unfortunately, marijuana has suffered such a horrible reputation over the past half century or so- thanks to decades of ridiculous anti-marijuana propaganda- that the truth of its healing power is still at the mercy of our government and the scrutiny of less informed Americans. The result of this mass blindness is a staggering number of patients suffering unnecessarily in 47 states- people who suffer from chronic pain, inflammation, and other symptoms that can be treated with marijuana- are either misinformed about its healing properties or are simply unaware of the medical value of the cannabis plant.

The private use of marijuana for medicinal purposes is legal in the State of California. It’s also legal to privately grow up to 40 cannabis plants for medicinal purposes in the counties of Napa and Sonoma. It’s legal to grow in Arizona and Colorado as well, but due to the fact that Dr. Courtney is located in California, we have decided that a move there would be best.

Coincidentally, I was recently referred to an SRS surgeon in California via FTM pioneer and GLBT advocate Zander Keig. After visiting Dr. Curtis Crane’s website, I immediately sent him an email inquiring about his procedures and was surprised to receive a thoughtful, friendly letter directly from him the next day. Apparently he’s been working alongside some world renowned SRS surgeons for many years, and has now taken over Dr. Brownstein’s practice in San Francisco. The fact that he’s a reconstructive urologist (as well as a plastic surgeon) has given me much hope of successful urethral lengthening, which is of utmost importance to me. I’m not sure if I will still be consulting with Dr. Meltzer, but I know I will definitely be consulting with Dr. Crane this year.

The Nightmare

In Life on December 18, 2012 at 1:12 pm

Hello and thanks for visiting my site. I have many ideas for Phantom Waves, but I’ve been too distracted with life to act on any of them. I have been writing furiously every day- more than I ever have- but I haven’t been posting on here because I just haven’t felt like sharing much of what I write with the rest of the world. A lot has happened in the six months or so since I started this blog. There was an enormous amount of drama in my life recently, and most of the details are either too sacred or too painful for me to talk about. I’m trying my hardest to step outside of the heartache I’ve been experiencing in order to post something on here now. I’ll start with my re-evaluation of bottom surgery. This is my latest sentiment:

Screw metoidioplasty. I’m not considering it anymore. I’m not even sure what possessed me to look into it. I considered it briefly, as a surgery I could have until I could save for a phallo-; but after more research I concluded that it’s just not the right option for me. If I’m going to spend tens of thousands of dollars on GRS, (aka SRS) and go under a fucking knife, I want the results to make me feel more comfortable with my body. I won’t be content settling for a slight improvement of what I already have. Fuck that.

Despite the fact that I no longer have the emotional support I thought I had, I’ve decided to follow through with my plans. I’m going to schedule a consultation with Dr. Meltzer in Scottsdale, Arizona. He’s one of the doctors I’m considering for GRS (If you’re not an FTM, then I sincerely hope you don’t look him up.) I was hesitant to consult with him at first because I found his website to be slightly discouraging.  However, I am a member of quite a few FTM surgery groups/ forums online and of all the results I have seen and heard about- I feel his are among the very best. His work has seriously impressed me. There are two other doctors I would like to consult with, but they’re overseas, and it just isn’t practical for me to travel to Europe right now. Depending on when I can secure the fee, I’ll be scheduling a consultation with Dr. Meltzer to discuss mainly his phalloplasty procedure, but also other surgeries that I feel are absolutely necessary, (for me, personally.) I’m going to go over all my options with him so I’ll have a better understanding of exactly how much money I need to save to make this happen; and how much time I’ll need off from work. I have four weeks of paid vacation a year, so I don’t think time will be much of an issue. It’s the financial aspect of surgery that makes it seem impossible. It’s going to be difficult, but I know I can do it. If I have to get a second job and sell everything I own, I will. If I have to survive on fucking ramen, sacrifice my precious *Antidotes, and never go out drinking again, I’ll do that too. I’ll do whatever the fuck I have to do to make this happen. And NO ONE can prevent me from having GRS. (not that anyone has expressed an interest in stopping me; I just felt the need to make that clear.)

At the moment I feel like the one person in the world who really knows and understands the depth of this predicament, and just how necessary this is for me, has stopped caring about me altogether. I could be wrong, but that’s how I feel right now. If it is true, then I’ll just have to accept it. I need to focus on the issue of my sanity. This is my fucking life. This is about transforming this nightmarish existence into an acceptable reality. If I don’t fix this problem soon, I’m going to lose my fucking mind. I can’t stomach much more of this part of my body. It’s beyond ridiculous. The core of my being feels unstable. My anger is beginning to  move slower, and calmer than usual. I’m afraid it will stop completely; and if it does, I’m afraid of what will happen. It’s the calm that’s freaking me out. The anger is so intense that I don’t know what to do with it.

I’m growing increasingly sickened by what I have to endure every day. The reaction it triggers in me is like a blow to the fucking head. That’s the only way I can describe it. I can’t shower without trauma. The thought of wanting to fucking die is inescapable. This isn’t right. I have endured this torture for too long. It has damaged me. It has seriously damaged my spirit. I’m so fucking tired of dealing with this. I’m so sick of all the ridiculous things I have to do and all the things I try to ignore. It all seems so ridiculous. I can’t endure much more. I need to feel anatomically correct so I can calm down and start living like a normal person. I’m starting to wonder if anyone else even understands how I feel. Isn’t there one fucking person out there who understands my problem? I have never felt so isolated in my entire fucking life. I try to stay positive and productive, but it doesn’t last. No matter what I do or what I accomplish, I always end up facing this problem that just will not go away. Every day I wake up in this nightmare. It just will not end. I just want it to end. I want to wake up.

*for those who don’t reside in Houston, an Antidote is coffee w/ a shot of espresso (aka: a red-eye)

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